


The Price of Heroism or: Never Underestimate the Mildly Annoying Chuckleheads

by smutdouble



Category: Super Mario & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/M, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 18:56:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12018957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smutdouble/pseuds/smutdouble
Summary: With Mario and Luigi dead, there are only two people who can help Peach now. The trouble is, they don't work for free.





	The Price of Heroism or: Never Underestimate the Mildly Annoying Chuckleheads

Peach sat in her cell, absolutely and utterly distraught in her billowy green and gold gown. Her feet ached. She didn't know how long she'd stood by Bowser's throne while the rest of the Koopas whooped and hollered and danced and jeered. The Koopa king had finally allowed the guards to retire her to the tallest tower in his castle when the catatonic trophy had begun to sway and grow faint. The guards had left her with a little food and a little water before returning to the party unfolding downstairs.

Her heart settled like a rock in her chest, heavier than the golden, jewel encrusted collar than held her head and neck in a rigid posture of artificial dignity. She felt exhausted, but didn't dare close her eyes for fear of the horrible scene that seemed emblazoned on the backs of her lids--the painting of Mario and Luigi smoldering and darkening as the boos lowered it into the massive bonfire. King Boo's cackle echoed in her head and she covered her ears.

Maybe they weren't dead. Peach hoped they weren't, and she doubted she would ever stop hoping. It didn't matter too much, though. If they were alive, they were permanently stuck in some dark, empty plane of nothing without any means of escape. In the end, all she could do was hope that they hadn't felt the flames that had consumed their canvas prison.

“See? Nothing. Can we go back downstairs _now_?” A familiar voice whined in the hallway.

Peach's red, watery eyes tracked across the room and landed on the door.

“There has to be _something_ worth taking in this stupid castle,” a deeper but no less familiar voice responded.

“Yeah. And it's all downstairs. In the treasury. Surrounded by guards.”

“No one's makin you follow me, bean pole. You wanna be such a baby about it, you go back. I didn't get where I am today by giving up all the time. All these rooms, there's gotta be some frooffy guest room or something that someone forgot about.”

The voices went silent as the door knob rattled. Peach still didn't move. She didn't know if she could. She was so tired and the dress was so heavy. A couple of alarmingly heavy thuds rattled the thick door, but the lock held firm.

A defeated voice grumbled, “Walu...?”

“Oh, now you need me,” the nasally voice sniped back.

“Shut up and see if you can do anything about this lock.”

Peach heard some scratching and more rattling. Several smaller thuds later the door popped open. Wario waddled into the room, spotting the princess quickly. A broad grin replaced his scowl.

“That's the stuff.” He was practically drooling as he approached.

She pressed back against the wall. With Waluigi filling the door there wasn't anywhere to go. Wario reached for her and brushed her hair behind her shoulder. He leaned in so close that she felt his breath on her neck and his belly against hers.

“Emeralds. Garnets. Is that a diamond? Bet if I popped that baby out, it would be a few days before they noticed.” Wario examined the collar as though the young woman wearing it didn't exist at all.

“Not if she tattles,” Waluigi said. He made sure the door wouldn't lock behind them and then closed it.

The fat doppleganger stepped back and studied Peach's face. “I doubt she's gonna be saying much to anyone anymore. She hasn't made a sound all night.”

“W-were... were you th-there?” Peach asked in a tiny, shaky voice.

The two doppelgangers exchanged a look.

“When they- they- Were you there?” Peach repeated, glancing between them. She needed someone else to care as much as she did. Wario frowned as his eyes flicked between her face and the gaudy piece of jewelry at her throat. Waluigi frowned and eyed the door sideways.

“Wario, we should go...” Waluigi said in a low voice without looking at either of them.

Wario gazed at the necklace again, like a starving man sizing up a feast.

“Wario,” Waluigi repeated, more assertively.

“We're never going to get a better chance than this,” Wario insisted. “Half the guards are passed out downstairs and the others are halfway to shitsville. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

“What're you even gonna pry them out _with_?”

Grubby fingers stroked the cleft chin. “Gimme your tools,” Wario finally said.

“No way! These are precision instruments. I'm not gonna let you mangle them.”

Wario crossed his arms and huffed. “Fine. What if you take the whole thing off her neck?”

“Oh, yeah, they'll never notice _that._ ” Waluigi rolled his eyes.

“Can you do that?” Peach asked quietly.

Air puffed derisively from the beaky nose as Waluigi tilted his chin at a haughty angle. “ _I_ can unlock  _anything_ .”

“You can take it. I won't tell anyone. I only want it off...” Peach said.

“Watch the door,” Waluigi sighed as he squatted behind her. “Too small for the bump key... Simplistically antique...” he muttered as he produced an array of lock picks from inside the front of his overalls. “Hold still,” he said louder, so that Peach knew the command was meant for her.

Once more, as with Wario, she felt him breathing down the back of her neck as he worked. The blonde bit her lip as she tried not to squirm. Or sob. She couldn't stop thinking about Mario and Luigi. The doppelgangers didn't even care. They weren't happy like the Koopas, and that was something at least, but... The collar suddenly loosened and dropped into her lap.

“Yes,” Wario hissed greedily as he snatched it. He held it up to the light, marveling over the sparkles.

“Thank you,” Peach mumbled as she rubbed her throat.

“Dunno what you're thanking me for,” Waluigi said as he put his tools away. “They're just gonna have you in another one tomorrow.”

The princess fell silent as they started toward the door. They'd gotten what they wanted and they were going to leave her here. Of course they didn't want thanks. They didn't even want to help, really. Then again... “Wait!” She said suddenly.

They turned it unison, but it was Wario that said, “What?”

Peach scrambled to her feet. “You said the guards are all busy, right?”

“Most of 'em,” Wario shrugged.

“Could you maybe leave the door unlocked? Please?” Peach asked. “I mean, it's hardly any extra trouble for you, right?”

They exchanged another look and then Wario spoke. “Most of the guards  _are_ asleep, but that doesn't mean  _you'll_ ever get down and out without calling attention to yourself.”

“How did _you_ get up here?” Peach persisted. 

“The only reason we got up here is because no one cares where we go.” Wario walked over to Peach and put his hands on her shoulders. “It's like this, Peachy. Mario and Luigi are dead because they made themselves a problem for Bowser, right?”

Her heart jumped and her eyes stung, but she forced herself to nod.

“Bowser and Boo and all their cronies think we're nothing but a couple of mildly annoying chuckle-heads. We like it that way. If they knew that we could go traipsing all over castles rescuing princesses, we would've been burning in the courtyard, too.”

A tear ran down the side of her face.

“Don't start that. It's nothing personal, Peachy. If it wasn't so complicated, I'd gladly take you with us. As it is, we gotta run.” He patted her cheek. “Chin up, though. I'm sure I'll see you around.” Again, he started to join the taller man at the door. Waluigi was looking increasingly impatient with the whole affair.

Peach wouldn't be brushed off so easily, though. “Please! There must be something I can offer to make the risk worth it.”

“Unless Mushroom Kingdom had a secret treasury hidden somewhere, I doubt-” Wario stopped when his cohort elbowed his shoulder. A frown creased the round face as Waluigi bent to whisper in his ear. Then his eyebrows went up. Then he pursed his lips thoughtfully. When Waluigi finally straightened up, he nodded slowly. “Interesting idea... not impossible...” 

They both eyed her. She suddenly felt very nervous. “What?”

“Technically, if we tried, we could get you out of here with relatively minimal risk,” Waluigi smirked and then held up a finger. “Under one nonnegotiable condition.”

“Tell me,” Peach demanded.

“We want to fuck you,” Wario said.

The blunt casualness struck her speechless. “W- what? I... What?”

“We can get you out of the tower, but the first thing you have to do is come back to our house and fuck us. After that,” he gestured vaguely with his hands, “you can do whatever you want.”

Waluigi narrowed his eyes at her. “And don't say 'what' again or the deal's off. Time is short and we want an answer. Yes or no?”

“You're serious...” Peach gaped at them. She wasn't sure how to process this. Mario had been her first and only, but she couldn't think about him right now. If she did, she'd start crying again. If she started crying, she'd never be able to think straight.

“Yes or no?” Wario repeated firmly.

There wasn't really any way to win in this situation. Either she remained Bowser's captive until he decided to take what he wanted, or she could give it up relatively willingly for something that she wanted. “You're not going to hurt me, are you?” She asked carefully.

“Of course not,” Waluigi scoffed.

“We're not monsters,” Wario added.

“Just a little opportunistic,” Waluigi grinned.

“If... you can free me, then I guess I'd... I mean... I would...” She bit her lip. It was too hard to say. “I always uphold my end of a bargain...”

“Close enough.” Waluigi moved toward the barred window. Twisting and contorting, he managed to stuff himself between the bars and crouched on the ledge outside. He spent a few minutes examining the perimeter of the window. “Bolt cutters?”

Wario fished some hand-sized bolt cutters out of his overalls and passed them through the bars. They were like a pair of thieving magicians. For once, that made Peach happy. She watched Waluigi remove the bolts from the base of the bars and ooze back into the room. Once he was out of the way, Wario grabbed the bars, braced his feet against the wall, and yanked. He grunted and strained until he turned red, but the bars were moving. He bent them slowly inward and upward, until there was an opening large enough for Peach and her dress to squeeze out.

“How long is the rope?” Wario panted as he peered over the edge.

“It better be long enough. There's no going back now,” Waluigi said.

“I'll be right back,” Wario said. “If it takes longer than thirty minutes...”

“Yeah, yeah... Go on.” Waluigi made a shooing gesture. The stocky man closed the door behind him.

“Are we really climbing down the outside?” Peach asked with wide eyes.

“Why, you scared of heights or something?” Waluigi's eyebrow arched.

“There's a lava pit down there,” she protested.

“Sure is,” he grinned. “They'd never expect anyone to try escaping that way.”

Peach took a breath and hugged herself. If that was really the best way down, so be it, but she didn't much like the idea. A thin finger hooked under her chin and lifted her head.

“I'm going down, too. Trust me, we'll be fine.”

He certainly wouldn't take any unnecessary risks with his own life. She could count on that. “Okay.”

He grinned and stroked her cheek with the backs of two fingers. “And after we go down this wall, I'm gonna go down on you.”

Waluigi returned to wait by the window. Peach blushed and tried to find anything else to look at. If they followed through with their side of the deal, she had every intention of following through with hers. That didn't change how nervous the idea made her, though. It was easiest not to think about it until she needed to think about it.

Twenty minutes later, she heard a distorted beep and Wario's voice in Waluigi's pocket. “Exactly how good are your catching skills? Over.”

Waluigi pulled a small walkie talkie out of his pocket and sighed, “Why, what's wrong? Over.”

“One of these ropes definitely isn't gonna be long enough. You might get, uh, more than half way down, but I do have more than one shot, so... Just be ready to stop at the bottom and catch. Over.”

“Well _that_ changes things,” Waluigi muttered. He looked at Peach. Without saying anything, he walked over, grabbed her armpits, and hoisted her into the air. She let out a surprised squeal. “How much do you weigh?”

“Maybe one thirty, but with the dress...”

A grappling hook whizzed through the window and landed on the floor. The rope trailed limply over the window ledge. Waluigi picked up the hook and secured it to the bent, mangled bars. Then he reeled in the rope and tied two loops at the bottom, about six feet apart. “When you're on my back, I want you to put your arms under mine, and then grab opposite shoulders. Like you're making an x on my chest. Got it? I don't need you panicking and choking me.”

“I think understand,” Peach said in her typically soft voice. He tossed the loops out the window, knelt on one knee, and looked over his shoulder expectantly. The princess climbed on his back. Hugging him seemed weird at first, but they would be doing a lot more than hugging later, wouldn't they. Her legs tightened around his waist, and then she was as ready as she'd ever be.

He wrapped the rope once around each hand and climbed out on the ledge again. Most of the castle was dark, now, except for the hellish gleam of the lava pit below them. She figured Wario had to be somewhere down there, too, just outside of the orange aura, but she was too high up to see in the dark. Her eyes squeezed shut as Waluigi turned around and stepped off the sill. Cold air rushed past her cheeks as he repelled down the stone wall. Cold air that got warmer and warmer as they neared the bottom.

They stopped and she found herself pressed between his back and the castle wall. He had one foot in the lower loop and an elbow hooked through the upper loop. Peach could see the bubbles in the lava from here. She whimpered and tightened her grip on his chest and shoulders.

He fished out the walkie talkie. “In position. Over.”

“Yeah, I see you,” Wario's voice crackled. “Watch your right. Over.”

A moment or two later, another projectile whizzed out of the darkness. The rope lurched as Waluigi stuck out a foot to hook it. Peach slipped a little and screamed. Long fingers encircled one of her wrists and guided her hand to the handhold he'd tied. Once he was sure she had a grip, he ducked out of her arms to fidget with the two ropes. Peach closed her eyes again. Her hands throbbed, but the adrenaline kept the exhaustion at bay. Then a long arm wrapped around her waist and the rope sandwiched between them pulled away from the wall at an angle.

“Stay focused, Peaches. You're gonna have to work with me on this part.”

“My hands hurt,” she said.

“We're almost there. Just slide down slow. Hand over hand.”

They descended the rest of the way like a couple of koalas. Wario waited at the bottom, digging his heals into the grass and leaning backwards to keep the rope tight. Waluigi landed on his butt in the dirt with a soft 'oof.' A second later, the princess landed in his lap. She finally opened her eyes and gazed back the way they had come. It looked impossibly high from this vantage point. The idea that they had been up there mere moments ago made her dizzy.

Wario let his end of the rope swing into the lava pit as Waluigi hurried the princess to her feet. Then they both hustled her to the car at the edge of the woods, well out of the fiery glow that surrounded the Koopa's castle. Wario practically stuffed her through the door as he said, “Get on the floor. Stay low.”

The pair of doppelgangers hopped into the front seat and the engine purred. “You really think this thing can drive off road?” Waluigi asked skeptically.

“It'll have to,” Wario answered simply.

Peach snuggled into the foot well as best she could. The voluminous gown provided a lot of padding, at least. At first the car's cleanliness surprised her, but maybe it shouldn't have. Wario was a slob, but he could be very particular about his possessions. She yawned and folded an arm under her head. As the excitement ebbed, the slight rumble of the engine lulled her to sleep.

 

It was dark. All of it. There must have been a path under her feet, but she could neither see nor feel it. Peach ran, fleeing for the only point of sense in the place. The rectangle of light grew with agonizing slowness, no matter how fast or how hard she pushed herself. It flickered and pulsed orange and gold. The light wrapped around her as she drew closer. Fire. A doorway to a world of fire, lurching forward to meet her. She spun on her heel, but there was fire everywhere now. Above. Below.

She screamed.

The world lurched around her and a deep voice yelled, “Damn it!”

Someone shook her arm and poked her. “Hey... Hey! Snap out of it!”

Peach struggled into a semi upright position. It wasn't easy. She was wedged in a tight place and her side hurt and...

The first thing her eyes focused on was Waluigi twisted to lean between the front seats. “Enough with the screaming. You're lucky we didn't crash.”

The trees rolling past the windows were different. Softer and greener. Sunlight filtered through the leaves. The cushion she'd used to leverage herself up was upholstered with gaudy purple leather. Her vision blurred. Her lip trembled. She tried to stop the first sob, but it exploded forth like a champagne cork. The others poured out after it. Mario. Oh, hell, Mario...

“Damn it...” Wario muttered it this time. There was a long, awkward pause. Finally he shot a sideways glance at his stunned cohort and prompted, “Well?”

“What?” Waluigi asked indignantly.

“Do something,” Wario urged, gesturing at the back with one hand.

“Me?! You do something!”

“I'm driving! I'm already doing something!”

Waluigi grumbled to himself as he unbuckled his belt and slithered into the backseat. “Look, uh, princess, it's, uh... It's gonna be okay. We're almost there.”

She looked at him and sniffled. It wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. Free or not, Mario was gone and he would be gone forever.

Waluigi's brow wrinkled. “You're not having second thoughts about our deal, are you?”

Peach wiped her face on the dress and looked away. “No... No, I said I'd do it. I will.” Her eyes welled up and then she was crying again. Maybe it was a good thing that Mario wasn't around to find out about this.

The doppelgangers exchanged frustrated looks in the rear-view mirror and then Waluigi tried again. He pulled her onto the seat next to him. Her skirt caught on something and came loose with a rather satisfying rip when Peach yanked at it.

“You miss Red, huh,” Waluigi said once Peach was situated. His voice was flat. Uncertain.

“I- I know c-crying isn't going t-to help,” she hiccuped, “but I can't h-help- help...”

“Yeah, he was, uh, good... threw some... good parties...” Waluigi tried to catch Wario's eye in the mirror again, but Wario very pointedly did not look.

Peach shook her head and took a few sobbing breaths. “I know you don't miss him like I do. You don't have to pretend. Just... I need some time to mourn...”

“Fine,” Wario sighed, “but no more screaming. You startled the shit out of me.”

Once they decided that she wasn't losing her mind, they returned to their own business. Waluigi leaned into the front and fished a game system out of the glove box.

“Quit climbing around,” Wario snapped. “You're gonna tear the leather.”

“Meh nyeh nyeh,” Waluigi mocked as he slouched in the back seat and stretched his legs over the headrest of the passenger seat.

As bleeps, bloops, and repetitive music filled the car, Peach turned her attention to the scenery flying past. This forest was thicker than the one that surrounded Bowser's castle. She was amazed there was a road through it at all. The dense stillness gave the impression that they were the first people to come through here in a very long time. “I thought we were going to your house,” she said at last.

“Change of plans,” Wario said. “We thought of a better place while you were sleeping.”

“So... Where are we?” She asked.

“The forest of illusion.” They took a sharp turn and bumped through a pothole. Wario winced and stroked the dashboard. “Bridgette's gonna need some TLC after this one...” Then louder, he explained, “There's a few hidden warp pipes scattered around here. One of them leads to a secret hideout. Bowser and Boo will never find us there.” He chuckled. “And even if they did, they'd be sorry.”

Waluigi chuckled, too, but he didn't look up from his game. Peach's gaze drifted out the windshield and her eyes widened. The road ended at a thick tangle of branches and bushes. Wario wasn't stopping. She braced herself for the cracking and screeching of wood on metal, but there was only darkness and the distinct warble of a warp pipe.

They emerged in a vast garage. Everything about it looked perfectly normal, except for maybe the lack of windows. She heard the door sliding shut behind them and turned in time to catch a glimpse of the largest pipe she'd ever seen. Then it was gone, and Wario was climbing out of the car. Peach stepped out next, trying to establish her barrings. Old go karts and motorcycles were parked in neat, glistening rows. There were tool benches, storage boxes, racks of sporting equipment... It reminded her a lot of Mario's garage, if Mario's garage had been several times larger.

“Aw, shit.” Wario wore a pained expression as he inspected a mud-spattered fender.

“It'll wash off.” Waluigi brushed at the dirt with one hand.

Wario slapped his hand away. “Not dry, you idiot! You'll scratch the paint!”

Waluigi pursed his lips, raised an eyebrow, and tilted his head at Peach--an expression that said, 'This guy, huh? Can you believe this shit?'

The princess simply shrugged. Now that her promise loomed inevitably before her, the butterflies returned with a vengeance. When exactly did they intend to cash in on her debt? Wario seemed more concerned with his car at the moment. What about Waluigi? As far as she could tell, the whole exchange had started as his idea. She followed the taller man into the house, but only because she didn't know what else to do with herself.

“You're quiet,” Waluigi commented, shortening his spidery stride to match her pace.

“I'm just... wondering...” Peach rubbed her upper arm.

He stepped in front of her and stopped. “What?”

“How it's going to work. When we're going to... You know...”

Waluigi grinned. “Are you in a hurry?”

“No... Kind of... I mean, I want to get it out of the way...”

“Out of the way,” he repeated and laughed. “Come on.”

A long arm slung around her shoulders and he led her up a wide set of stairs. Her heart beat faster as he led her to a door right near the top and opened it. It was a bathroom. She cast an unsure glance upward.

“Wario's gonna be working on 'Bridgette' for a while. We've all had a long night. Relax. Get comfortable. We'll get to 'it' soon enough.” He squeezed her breast through her bodice and started to leave. Then he raised one finger and spun on his heel. “One thing, though, if you do start wandering around. There's a door that says 'warning: stay out.' Hard to miss. Bunch of locks and everything...”

“Stay out of it?” Peach asked with a dull smile.

“Or you could be very sorry.” Then he winked and disappeared downstairs.

The blonde woman cocked her head. Wario had said something similar in the car. It didn't sound like a threat, though. They were probably storing a bunch of live bobombs here. Putting it out of mind, she closed the door and gratefully stripped off the dress. The bathroom was simply furnished and smaller than the one she'd grown accustomed to at home. All of the plumbing was gold, or at least colored gold, but the tub and counters were—so she imagined—a more normal size. There were travel-sized toiletries in the medicine cabinet, however, and the tooth brush and paste seemed unused. Her mouth felt and tasted awful, she realized. There was also a robe and some towels emblazoned with mismatched hotel logos.

While part of her wished they'd just let her complete the transaction and get on with her life, cleaning up and getting comfortable wasn't exactly a bad idea. Aside from coercing her into sex, she was sort of surprised by how 'nice' they were being about the whole thing. If such an adjective could be applied to the doppelgangers...

 

When she finally emerged in the hallway, she was wearing nothing but the robe. She'd deliberated on the issue for several minutes before leaving the warm, steamy haven. Bowser's dress was awful, and modesty seemed pointless at this juncture, so she'd taken a breath and let it go. Her bare feet padded down the stairs. She was wildly hungry and though she kept an ear out for her hosts, she really just wanted to find the kitchen. The whole place was a bit strange, she noticed. The wide hallways wound past several rooms, including an indoor pool, a tennis court, and a gym, but she'd yet to see a window since entering the place. Or any sort of exit, unless she counted the garage. Were they underground?

She heard voices as she rounded a third or fourth corner and followed them to a living room. The doppelgangers sat on the couch. A pizza box sat open on the coffee table. They seemed to be watching Keeping Up with the Koopalings. Peach bit her lip. She'd heard of the show, but she'd never seen it. It didn't air in Mushroom Kingdom. At least it didn't before. She didn't know anymore. The pizza lured her into the room, though.

“Peachy,” Wario grinned enthusiastically as he spotted her. “Was beginning to think we'd need to send a search party.”

Her hands unconsciously clasped the neck of the robe closed. “This place is bigger than I expected.”

Wario swatted his cohort on the shoulder with the back of his hand. “Didn't you show her the other stairs?”

“I didn't think of it,” Waluigi whined defensively.

When Wario's gaze returned to Peach, his face wore an oddly placating smile. “You're probably starving, huh? Pull up a cushion.” The pair of doppelgangers scooted apart a bit, offering the space between them.

Peach settled into it nervously. Wario wore boxers, an undershirt, and yellow socks. Waluigi wore nothing but indigo pajama pants.

“Beer?” Wario tilted a green bottle at her.

She didn't drink beer, but she didn't want to be rude. “Maybe in a bit,” she said softly.

Wario turned his attention back to the show as he stuffed half a slice of pizza into his face. They weren't using plates, so Peach didn't either. She took a small slice, folded it neatly in half, and nibbled at it daintily. She couldn't have focused on the show if she wanted to. The princess kept shooting sideways glances at the two men. Where was the first move going to come from? When was it going to come? She was almost on the verge of starting something herself just to get it finished, but she didn't know where to start.

“That diamond's gotta be a few carats,” Wario suddenly said. “What I wouldn't give to have that baby in my collection.”

“What diamond?” Waluigi asked.

“Wendy's ring.” Wario pointed at the screen.

Waluigi squinted at the screen. “She's wearing a ring?”

“Middle finger, right hand. Wait... see? Right there!”

“That?” Waluigi snorted. “That thing's not real.”

“What do you mean it's not real? Look at it.”

“She wears it karting. No one wears a four carat diamond to a kart race.”

“They do if they're drowning in gold like those brats. Or maybe she's got a fake duplicate, but I'm telling you _that_ one is a real.”

“Whatever,” Waluigi conceded. He propped an elbow on the arm of the couch and, with a sigh, rested his head on his hand. Then he looked sideways at Peach.

The princess finished her pizza slice and reached for the beer. She sniffed it. There was a sour sort of smell to it, but not awful. She brought the bottle to her lips and allowed the smallest bit of the golden froth to trickle over her tongue. Her nose wrinkled. The taste reminded her of old, watery ginger ale.

“Not a beer drinker, huh?” Waluigi asked.

“I prefer fruitier things,” she said as she clasped the bottle between her knees.

Waluigi stroked his chin as he considered this. Then he picked up a napkin, twisted it into a long, thin shape, and soaked it in the bottle. Slim digits slipped between her thighs and coaxed her leg away from the other. The dripping paper disappeared under her robe.

“What're you...” Her eyes widened as the fingers found her intimate parts.

“Helping you relax.” Waluigi smirked as he stuffed the alcohol soaked napkin into her.

Peach squealed and her hands went to her crotch impulsively, but his hand blocked the way. “It stings,” she stammered. This wasn't the sort of thing she expected.

“A lot?” His voice was low. At some point he'd pulled her close with his other arm. His eyes held hers with laser focus as he fumbled with the knot on the robe.

“Only a little,” Peach admitted. She knew he would stop if she really complained, but she'd never been a good liar.

“Then humor me,” he said, still in that hypnotically low voice, “just long enough,” the knuckle of a slender digit brushed upwards along her inner lips, “to make you cum.”

The knuckled dug in. Peach moaned softly and her hands clenched in the fabric of her robe. The back of the finger rubbed her clit. She breathed harder, squirming and pulling at her trapped leg. Her thighs squeezed his knee, but she couldn't close them. Her muscles clenched around the beer-soaked wad inside of her, but that only elicited another moan. Two fingers stroked. Then his thumb traced firm circles. Then it was back to the stroking and rubbing again. The princess arched her back and turned her head, pressing her face against his bare shoulder. She let herself enjoy it, focusing hard on the physical sensations. She felt tingly after a while. Light. A little giddy, even.

Waluigi gradually coaxed her to turn sideways and put one foot up on the couch. Peach spread her legs wide, bucking her hips as the light touches pressed harder and harder. Her hand tightened into a white-knuckled grip on his knee as her back arched. The robe opened and tumbled off her shoulders. She bit her lip. Her hips bucked a few more times and her body trembled as her pussy juiced and sucked at the napkin. Then her grip went slack. The long digits fished the napkin out of her, squeezing vaginal fluid and beer from it as they did. A few slippery drops escaped down her slit. The burning subsided, but the warm buzz remained.

The cerulean eyes opened halfway and instantly met Wario's. He grinned and she realized his hand was in his pants. It was happening, then. She felt oddly calm about it. She was even sort of starting to have fun, as long as she didn't think too hard.

“You ever suck a dick, princess?” Wario asked.

Peach giggled awkwardly. “Once or twice... sort of...” As she watched Wario drop his shorts, she realized she'd never established any boundaries and they'd never specified their expectations. All they'd said was that they wanted her to fuck them and they wouldn't hurt her.

The fat doppelganger situated some pillows behind his back and leaned against the arm of the couch. “Show me what you can do.”

She left the robe pooled at the end of the couch. Sort of crouching on all fours, Peach took his cock in her hand and leaned forward. His hands brushed all of her hair to one side and one fist held it there. He didn't push or pull, though. Pink lips closed around the head of his erection, just under the ridge where it met the shaft. Carefully minding her teeth, Peach slid as much as she could into her mouth, and then drew back up. After repeating the motion a couple more times, she glanced up at him.

“Beautiful,” he grinned. “Keep doing it just like that.”

Peach closed her eyes and did as he said. Her tongue cradled the fleshy thing in her mouth. She found Wario's groans of approval surprisingly encouraging.

The couch shifted behind her and she felt familiar hands on her hips. They guided her rear into the air and pushed her thighs apart, so that one foot was on the floor. She glanced back. The sight of Waluigi suddenly naked with a fistful of his own erection startled her.

“It's okay,” the taller doppelganger cooed. “We're not gonna hurt yah.”

“Thing is, we couldn't decide who should go first...” Wario continued.

“There was only one compromise,” Waluigi finished.

His fingers probed her again. Peach had never realized how long they were before. She bit back a moan. “What do I do?”

“All the normal stuff,” Wario said.

“Just twice,” Waluigi grinned.

“If it hurts, you'll stop?” Peach asked carefully.

“Cross our hearts,” Wario said. Then his hand tugged lightly at her hair, and Peach put her face back between his legs.

Fingers parted her labia and a long tongue rubbed her pearl. It traced a slimy trail up and down her slit, and then jabbed abruptly into her as deep as it could go. Peach moaned around Wario's cock as Waluigi tongue-fucked her. The distraction kept disrupting her rhythm.

“Suck it, princess,” Wario moaned. “Suck it hard.”

His girth made it hard to form a good seal with her lips, but she did her best. Eventually the other man's tongue dragged itself out of her pussy and continued up her crack. Peach let out a muffled squeal as it circled her hole and retraced its path down. The long, slow licks from clit to anus and back left the area between her thighs glistening with a slick concoction of his saliva and her own fluids.

“Get that cock in deep, sweet little Peach,” Wario breathed. “I wanna see you take it all. Make it disappear.”

They'd stop if it hurt. Peach took a deep breath through her nose and pushed to the edge of her gag reflex. As one dick filled her mouth, another filled her snatch. She let out a strangled moan and heard Wario sigh with delight at the vibrations in her throat. Getting stuffed so thoroughly gave her a strange, kinky thrill. As she continued working her mouth on Wario's pole, she fell into a rhythm that caused each of Waluigi's thrusts to shove her face first into Wario's pubic mound. It was all rough, instinctual, purposeless lust. The blonde reached between her legs. The tiny bundle of nerves screamed for attention and she was all too happy to give it. She massaged it hard, back arching as she closed in on another orgasm. She braced a forearm against Wario's hip to keep from choking on his cock as she gasped.

Waluigi squeezed her ass with one hand and purred as her vaginal muscles rippled and twitched. His thrusts slowed and he placed the palm of his other hand at the base of her spine. Peach was about to refocus on finishing Wario before her jaw started hurting, but a startling sensation made her head snap up. She tried to look over her shoulder, but it had happened so quickly that Wario's grip on her hair stopped her. Waluigi snickered, but he didn't stop and he didn't move his hand.

“What are you doing back there?” Wario demanded, partially amused and partially annoyed.

“I put my thumb in her ass,” he grinned.

“Please don't...” Peach trailed off, reaching for his wrist.

“Does it hurt?” Waluigi raised a devious eyebrow.

“N- no, but...” The boundary pushing made Peach really nervous. How long before something else wound up in there? Something bigger?

“Peaches,” he crooned as he caressed her cheek with his free hand. “If it hurts, I'll stop, but you gotta trust me. Huh? It can also feel good...” He licked a finger and inserted it slowly, really letting her feel the length.

The princess bit her lip and groaned in spite of herself. It did feel sort of nice sliding in... “Okay... but only fingers.”

“Only fingers,” Waluigi agreed.

She relinquished the issue, returning her mouth and hands to Wario's lap. Waluigi only ever stopped fingering her long enough rim her some more. There came a point where she was almost sure he had to be using more than one digit, but he went so slow that it never felt uncomfortable enough to justify putting a stop to it. Finally she had to ask, “How... how many...?”

He grinned. “Three.”

Peach gaped at him.

He snickered again. “I told yah you'd like it.”

A blush rose on her fair cheeks. Wario eyed her for a moment, and then scooted away. “I wanna trade,” he said.

Waluigi obliged him without argument. As Peach sized up the new cock in front of her, her eyes widened slightly. He wasn't as thick as Wario, but the lanky length he was known for didn't stop at his arms and legs, apparently. When she caught sight of his face, she could practically see his ego glowing behind his wide, sharp smirk. She ran her tongue up the underside, tasting herself on him. At the same time, she felt the round swell of Wario's gut on her lower back. He rubbed the tip of his manhood between her lower lips, smearing her inner folds and clit with spit and precum. Then it pressed inside. She squeezed Waluigi's shaft and sucked in a sharp breath. With a soft moan and a flutter of lashes, she bent back to the task in hand.

Bracing herself against Wario's thrusts, she slathered the entire length of the member in saliva. Then she eased it into her mouth an inch at a time. Waluigi's palm cradled her throat as she worked the head past her gag reflex. Her eyes watered and her breath wheezed. She drew off, trailing a string of saliva. Her fist worked his erection as she swallowed hard, and then she tried again.

“You sexy little thing,” Waluigi breathed as his fingers stroked the distention in her esophagus. “I can feel it all the way down here.”

“Mnph...” Peach squirmed and squeezed her eyes shut. Wario fucked her fast. His thighs and belly slapped loudly against her hindquarters. He was a tight fit and she spread her legs wider to accommodate him, arching her back. Thick fingers dug into her hips. She'd never been fucked so rough before. A powerful urge to touch herself rose in her gut, but both of her hands were very much occupied. The princess moaned in frustration. Dividing her attention was getting overwhelming.

After several failed attempts to deep throat the lanky doppelganger completely, long fingers pulled on the back of her neck. The engorged flesh came loose from her throat with a slimy pop. Peach coughed and wiped her mouth with the back of her arm. Waluigi shifted down on the couch and cupped a breast in each hand.

“Use these,” he said. When Peach looked confused, he rolled his eyes. “Rub my cock between your peaches, Peaches.”

The idea that that was a thing surprised Peach, but if it was what he wanted she'd do it. Her throat appreciated the rest, anyway. She cupped her breasts and pressed them around his erection. When she relaxed into Wario's rhythm, she barely had to do anything at all. Waluigi caressed the side of her head, fingering her tangled, golden curls. Peach closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. She'd always loved the feeling of a hand on her cheek.

Wario's thrusts slowed and eventually stopped. His hands groped her rear, pinching and squeezing and pulling. He gave her a light swat and she yelped, but it was more from surprise than pain.

“Your ass always looked so good in those racing suits,” Wario's gravelly voice rumbled. “I used to follow you on purpose, so I could watch you all bent over on your bike.” Two calloused fingers rubbed at her dripping slit. “Used to fantasize about bending you over my bike.” A thumb penetrated her as the fingers kept rubbing. “Such a juicy peach...”

There it was. The attention her clit had been craving. The princess gasped, rocking her pelvis against his hand. “Oh, please don't stop,” she murmured. “I'm almost there, it feels good, I'm almost there...”

Fingers slid into her ass right as the first waves of pleasure contracted around the digit already inside her. She didn't know how many. All she knew was that she peaked and her muscles tried to clench, but they couldn't, and it only made her peak harder. Peach was as wet as she'd ever been. The valley between her thighs ran like a river as the exploring fingers painted her with her fluids. They probed in and out of both holes. Two, then one, then two again, then three, and maybe... Was that four? The intrusion felt huge, but so had two fingers at first. “...how many...?”

“Only three,” Wario said. She could hear the smirk in his voice. “I have big fingers.”

Peach returned her attention to Waluigi's lap, but she really couldn't concentrate this time. It didn't feel like three fingers. Fingers formed a cone that stretched her gradually as they entered and let her relax as they withdrew. The intrusion pistoning slowly in and out of her felt too hard. Too long. It stretched her tightly and filled her deeply. “Don't lie, I know that's your dick...”

The two men laughed. “How do you know what a dick feels like?” Waluigi teased.

“I don't,” Peach blushed.

“You do now,” Wario grinned.

“While we're doing firsts, maybe we should make it really special,” Waluigi smirked. “You made a real pretty face when you were taking all those fingers, Peaches.”

He grabbed her breasts and encouraged her to crawl up his body. Wario followed, still buried deep. Peach wasn't stupid. She didn't need to be sexually experienced to follow Waluigi's insinuation. She thought about protesting, but there was no point. They were locked in on the 'not hurting' loophole. “Will it fit?” Stuffed up the backside, she already felt pretty close to her limit.

“Trust me, you got plenty of room.” He situated himself between her and Wario's legs.

Wario braced himself against the arm of the couch to keep his weight off them, but Peach still felt impossibly squeezed between the men. Waluigi held her hips and directed her into position. Her hands balled into fists as he sheathed himself. Things inside her shifted. The members displaced each other, one pressed forward, one pressed back, with the thin walls of tissue sandwiched in between, just like the princess. “Oh... oh, dear, that feels weird...” Peach closed her eyes and placed her palm on her pelvis. She thought she could feel the bump in her abdomen, but that might have been her imagination.

A massive arm reached across her chest and a heavy hand engulfed her tit. It hugged her to the sweaty, hairy body behind her. “You're allowed to like it.” Wario's breath was hot on her ear. “No judgment here, Peachy. Just good, fun times.”

There was something sort of sexy about being packed with cock. When she ground down hard enough, she felt Waluigi's rub against something deep and sensitive. Something that made her tighten. And the tightening felt so consumingly _good_... She rocked her hips, angling her pelvis to give the bundle of nerves at the top of her slit the pressure and friction it loved so much. Soon she recognized the wet heat of another orgasm coming on. “Oh... oh, that is good, it really is,” Peach gasped incoherently. Endorphins, dopamine, hormones, it didn't matter where she was when she closed her eyes.

It was longer and sharper this time. Several half-finished, super-intense waves rather than a couple slow, rolling ones. Her body half trying to push Wario out, half trying to pull him in... She sagged against the arm around her and let out a low, contented wale. The intensity ebbed and she almost relaxed. Then Waluigi strummed at her clit with his thumb. She tossed her head back, arching her neck across Wario's shoulder. Her hips tried to buck, but they couldn't move properly. “Oh, please, it's too much...”

“Ride it out, Peaches. I love it when you hug my cock,” Waluigi leered.

The thumb pressed harder. Peach tried to double over and pull away, but Wario kept her arched back and exposed. Sweat glistened on her skin as her muscles squeezed and pulled at the fleshy invaders _again_. “Oh, no... ah... ah! Oh, please don't stop...” Her voice quivered like her loins. Behind her, Wario started thrusting again. He wasn't being sneaky or careful this time. They were forceful, penetrating thrusts that ground her against the thumb twiddling her slit. It didn't hurt, though. Nothing hurt. It felt good. She had two dicks screwing both her holes and it actually felt good.

Waluigi's hands held her hips in place. Wario leaned forward and really used his weight to grind her pelvis against Waluigi's. She buried her face in the slender neck. The thin chest heaved under hers as he gasped and growled in her ear.

“You like that don'tcha, princess,” Wario panted smugly.

“Yes, Wario...” Peach moaned.

He grabbed her hair and pulled her head back. “Tell me how much you like my cock in your ass.”

“I love it, Wario. I... ah... I like it when... oh, no... oh, yes...” Her thoughts wouldn't string together properly.

“I'm gonna fill your ass with cum, princess,” Wario hissed. “You want an assload of cum? Huh?”

“Yes, Wario, yes, please, fill me with cum!” She parroted obediently. It was easier than trying to think. She didn't want to think. She just wanted to feel.

He released her hair and grabbed her shoulder. His teeth clenched. His breath hissed. Raspy grunts punctuated his last few thrusts, and then Peach felt a liquid warmth flood her bowels. He stayed in her, though, coming down slowly. The man under her pumped faster as Wario's weight shifted back. Her breasts jiggled. Her little cries rose and shook with each jolt. Waluigi arched his back and closed his eyes. His fingers dug into her hips. He panted as he pressed into her hard, forcing his entire length as deep as it would go. The same liquid warmth painted her cervix.

Wario slid out first, with an agonizing slowness that made Peach hold her breath. In the fading aftermath of hormones and alcohol her cheeks burned with embarrassment as the ring of muscle released him with a loose pop. She hid her face in Waluigi's chest, clenched, and willed herself to adjust to the sudden, slack emptiness. Nimble fingers brushed through her hair.

“You wanna cuddle, princess?” Waluigi teased.

She looked up at him and had a panicky moment where she thought she might burst into tears again. The day had been a whirlwind of sharp emotions. With the distraction out of the way, she could almost feel the heavy turning in her thoughts.

Waluigi cocked his head. “How about I show you where you can sleep, huh?”

The blonde hid behind a curtain of her bedraggled hair. She scooted backwards along the couch until her hand found the rumpled robe. She couldn't look either of them in the eye. Especially not Wario. “Yes. I'm... really tired. Exhausted...” The princess wrapped the robe around her shoulders. “Just tell me where to go, I'm sure I can find it.”

“No, no...” There was a pause and then she felt a hand at the small of her back. The long, narrow feet next to hers protruded from the purple-blue folds of baggy pajama cuffs. “It'll be faster if I show you.”

Peach chewed her lip, but she let Waluigi lead her into a different hallway than the one she'd come from. She cast curtained glances side to side as they went. If she hadn't seen the rest of the weirdness— the indoor rooms designed to appear like outdoor rooms—this more homey part might have fooled her into believing she was in a simple house.

“Remember where the kitchen is.” Waluigi stopped and made sure she looked. “It's an important room.”

The princess stopped and obediently turned her head, but her mind was full of other things. She didn't intend to stay long enough to need to remember where things were. At least, she hadn't planned on it. Now that she really thought it over she had no idea where to go next. Bowser or Boo might find her and then everything she'd done would be for naught. They might even discover how she'd escaped. They probably already knew. “I'm sorry...” Her voice cracked.

“For what?” Waluigi asked.

But she was already sobbing like a baby again. Mario's last expression haunted her. The heart-wrenching combination of defeat, sorrow, and fear was burned into her brain. The silent plea to forgive him for messing up so badly. She'd wanted to scream that it was okay—that she loved him and she didn't need to forgive him because it wasn't his fault. Now, with the doppelgangers' semen trickling toward her knees, she hoped _he_ could forgive _her._

The tall man shook his head and clicked his tongue. “You really shouldn't be running around like this, Peaches. Not on your own.”

“I'm terrible. Wario was right. Mario died because of me. Look what I did to him! I'm terrible...”

“You're not terrible,” he said dismissively. When Peach refused to look at him, he caught her chin and made her look. “Hey. Listen. You're not terrible. You never would've done it if Mario was alive. You woudn't've _needed_ to do it if Mario was alive.”

She shook her head. “Wario said I'm going to get both of you killed, too...”

“Psh, Wario...” He flicked a hand over his shoulder in a dismissive gesture. “Wario's lazier than a sack of turnips. That's all. We always land on our feet somehow. Hell, if we're in any danger here, it's definitely not because of _Bowser._ So stop worrying your pretty little head.”

The princess wiped her face on her sleeve as they started walking again. “You keep saying that, but what does it mean? Where _are_ we?”

Waluigi eyed her sideways. “Well, if it'll keep you from bawling all night, I guess I could show you...”

She followed him to some stairs that led to a basement. Much like the garage, aside from its expansiveness the basement didn't look unusual. He wove around the piles of boxes, papers, and abandoned inventions until they reached a service elevator in a secluded corner. The door glided open at the first touch of the button. He gestured her inside with a spidery bow and a sweep of his arm. Peach scanned the elevator curiously as she entered, but was surprised by her lack of fear.

Six unlabled buttons adorned the wall next to the door. For a moment Peach marveled at the thought that this place might have six levels. Then Waluigi glided into her line of sight. His narrow body obstructed her view as his fingers danced across the pad. They were all lit up when he stepped away. The door rumbled shut and the elevator lurched into a long decent. Peach glanced above the door, but there was no floor indicator. Before she could open her mouth, Waluigi spoke up.

“Patience. It'll only take a minute.”

Peach crossed her arms and stared at the buttons. All six remained alight and they still hadn't stopped. After an uncomfortable eternity the elevator touched ground. The lights blinked out all at once and the door slid open. The blonde stepped out first, taking in the short hallway in which she found herself. There wasn't anything to see but a door. A metallic door sealed with every variety of combination lock she could imagine. Sliders, spinners, buttons, dials... And of course, spray painted in large letters, 'Warning: Keep Out.'

If she'd been calm at the top of the elevator, she felt insanely nervous now. In a flash of paranoia she imagined herself turning just in time to watch the elevator doors snap shut on Waluigi's evil grin. Then she'd be trapped in this little hallway. Trapped with that door and whatever waited beyond it.

A hand grabbed her shoulder and she yelped.

“Take a minute,” Waluigi said. “I used to get shaky, too, but they really can't hurt you.”

“They?” She asked.

He brushed past her and set to work pressing buttons and spinning dials. “This is so much easier with Wario.” Waluigi grabbed the handle and strained until sweat beaded on his brow. The door budged slowly as he shuffled backwards. Offering to help never crossed Peach's mind. Waluigi's presence reassured her somewhat, but she still didn't want to touch the thing.

Harsh, white lights snapped on in the other room. Waluigi paused in the half-open door and beckoned her to follow. Peach wasn't sure what she'd expected, but it wasn't a museum. There were four display cases. Each contained curious artifacts. Five brightly colored music boxes. A collection of four kabuki masks hung on four sides of a central pillar. A coal black egg plant. A massive gem that shifted between black and purple depending on how she tilted her head. The unease she'd been experiencing seemed to emanate from each of these items. She looked to her tour guide and waited for an explanation.

“Each one of these treasures contains an evil spirit,” Waluigi explained. “Some more dangerous than others, but all powerful in their own ways.”

“What?” Peach's eyebrows went up, and then lowered. “Are you teasing me?”

“I'm serious,” Waluigi insisted. He pointed at each object as he explained. “The Golden Diva turned a magical princess into a cat and stole all her jewelry. The only reason she hasn't been more trouble is because she's got the same tunnel vision for treasure that Wario's got. Rudy the Clown almost took over his world twice by turning all of the music box people into monsters. The Black Jewel feeds off greed and ill wishes then uses the power to call up armies of monsters that do its bidding. Also almost destroyed the world twice. Wario really needs to learn to look before he grabs...”

“I see...” Peach's gaze wandered to the last display case. “What about the vegetable?”

“That one's mine,” Waluigi grinned. “Psycho Iris. Also almost destroyed the world twice. Possessed me and tried to use my body during the second attempt, but I turned his powers against him. Sneaky cunt. Teach you to underestimate Waluigi...” His grin faded and he rubbed his upper arm. “An- anyway... We shouldn't use them, but we _could,_ as a last resort.”

“You mean...” Peach shook her head and rubbed her temples. “You two are sitting on a pile of doomsday devices? How secure are these cases?”

Waluigi knocked on the one containing the masks. “Quite safe. Have been for years.”

“And you've saved all these worlds from all these things?” Peach couldn't believe it. The doppelgangers had only ever been a thorn in Mario and Luigi's sides as far as she knew. Minor mischief, nothing awful, but annoyances and delinquents at least.

Waluigi shrugged.

“Why didn't you ever help Mario?”

“He never asked. Besides, it's a lot of work. If...” He rubbed the side of his face and looked away. “If I'm going to be completely honest, and I guess I may as well, I still have nightmares about Psycho Iris. Being trapped in your own skin is a special kind of hell. Watching your body do things you're not telling it to do is another level.” He looked around the room. “Wario's more resilient than I am. Mario, too. I guess that's why I only did it once.” The angular eyes cast a sheepish look in her direction and darted away. “But... yeah... Bowser tries to storm this castle, he's not walking out.”

For a moment the towering man seemed really small and vulnerable. In the glaring light, she could almost see his ribs and spine. She patted his shoulder. “It's okay. As far as I'm concerned, you did it twice.”

He wore an expression of surprise for a moment, and then rolled his eyes. “Don't get all mushy on me, Peaches. I'm just saying...”

“I know.” She gave him a tiny smile. “I'm grateful, that's all. You two helped me, even though you didn't want to. I want you to know that I do appreciate it. I'm struggling with my loss, and... It's hard to feel anything else sometimes.”

Waluigi cupped her cheek again. “You really shouldn't be alone.”

“Can I stay?” Peach asked carefully.

“If you want.” He stroked her hair and studied her wistfully. “Damn. I guess there was one more thing I wanted. But we're past that, right? It's too late.”

The princess leaned into his hand. His hands really did feel good. “It depends. What did you want?”

A thumb traced across her lips. “Just a kiss...”

“Oh!” Peach blushed. “I- I guess that's okay.”

Grinning, Waluigi held her head between is palms, tilted his head, and leaned forward. She'd expected something open-mouthed and sloppy. Something that involved that long, devilish tongue slithering between her lips. The kiss was long, but soft, almost delicate. When he straightened to his full height once more, he whisked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Let's put you to bed,” he smiled.

He guided her out with a hand on her arm. Peach felt unexpectedly warm about the whole thing. She chalked it up to exhaustion.

 

Waluigi's leer stretched from pointy ear to pointy ear when he reappeared in the TV room. Still hunched on the couch, Wario barely glanced at him. “All right, what did you do?” The question sounded almost bored.

The lanky fiend listened for a moment to make sure they were alone, and then whispered with a snicker, “I'm gonna lay the thickest case of Stockholm syndrome on that girl. It's almost too easy.”

The fat man raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Why?” Waluigi looked incredulous. “Because it's fun? Because I can? Why not?”

“Because the giant turtle is gonna smash the place apart looking for her.”

Waluigi rolled his eyes. “Whatever. If I can kick Psycho Iris's smokey butt, I can fling Bowser to the moon.”

“Hm...” Wario considered for a bit. “She's just going to stay with us then?”

“Hopefully,” he beamed again. “Voluntarily, even. Ha!”

Grubby fingers twiddled the kinky mustache. “So we're gonna steal his princess right out from under him, and she's not even gonna know she's been stolen.” A matching smile grew inch by inch across the round face. “It might be a little funny. For a while. If I can get some more ass out of it.”

“It's gonna be a lot funny for a long time,” Waluigi corrected as he settled in with another beer. “But don't be too pushy, huh? You gotta let her think it's her idea. Don't ruin it.”

Wario clutched his chest with mock offense. “Ruin it? Never.” He sipped from his bottle. “Subtlety may not be my specialty, but I can manage it when I have to.”

“Good.” Waluigi raised his beer. “To the mildly annoying chuckle-heads.”

“May we always land on our feet,” Wario snickered.

Bottles clinked, and then the pair of doppelgangers returned to their regularly schedule evening.

 


End file.
